Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize