Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
