My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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