your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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