I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
