Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
