So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
