You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
