my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
