And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
