I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
