please come you make the beer taste better
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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