I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
