So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
