I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
