I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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