my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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