There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
