I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
