all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
