The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Houston, we have a blender
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
