So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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