If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
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