My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
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