ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
