someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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