the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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