It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
