her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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