Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Send help, water and tortillas.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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