I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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