carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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