thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
