Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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