I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
