Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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