he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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