I skipped work to stalk him.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
