I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
