you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
