I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I need to align my fucking chakras
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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