and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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