why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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