you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
