I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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