i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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