I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You smell like stripper and shame
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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