hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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