So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
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