we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
